Sunday, 31 July 2011

We're the Middle Children of History Man

I think I'm having a quarter life crises. A few weeks ago I turned 21 and I realised that I don't know how to live my life. Despite being a fulltime university student my development into adulthood seemed to stop there. I don't have a job. I don't have my licence. I don't own a car. I have zero savings in my bank account. Oh and I live at home. What the fuck am I doing? I know I'm meant to take responsibility for my life. But I can't help feeling like nobody prepared me to be an adult. Are there certain lessons, hints, responsibilities that your meant to be given along the way that I didn't get? I could attempt to psychoanalyse myself using my depression and anxiety as reasons why I haven't been able to get where I want. But what ever, that doesn't matter anymore. It's time to get my shit together.

When you have depression, its hard to get motivated, especially when you see everyone else swimming along perfectly. Im not the jealous type but when one of your friends tells you she just bought that ten year old second hand convertible car you were planning on saving your pennies up for, got engaged and received a massive diamond ring, in addition to her awesome new job you'd love to have you can't help but feeling you suck at life just a bit. Especially when you just got rejected from smokemart and recieved zero call backs from 30 other jobs you just applied for.

So what is a 21 year old nothing meant to do? Get off her fucking arse, stop whining and get her shit together.

I love this Fight Club quote as it reflects how I'm beginning to feel at the moment about my life and its direction:

"Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our great war is a spiritual war. Our great depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars, but we won't. We're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off." - Tyler Durden

Growing up I had this visage that as I got older I would have the knowledge, skills and confidence to be able to make the right choices for myself and to determine my own destiny. If you had of asked my 16 year old self where I saw myself at the age of 21 I would have said: Living in Sydney away from my parents with my boyfriend, studying, with an awesome job and an awesome wardrobe and a wide social cirlce...hmmm what went wrong?

Somehow I believed that one day I would know what I needed to do and how to do it based on a few extra years on this planet. I think the problem I have encountered is that in all honesty I have no idea what to do, or how to do it. I have realised I can't sit around waiting to learn how to live my life, but to jump in, be a fuck up and learn to succeed from that experience. This is the beginning of my journey to become a confident, successful young woman.